Trolling Snape
by Orrick
Summary: Harry and Hermione decide to troll Snape in their second year. Too bad he hasn't a clue what they're trying to do. Crackfic.


Trolling Snape

Harry Potter walked in the Potions classroom with his best friends Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger by his side. The Potions Master and head of Slytherin house, Severus Snape, was sitting at his desk nonchalantly and grading papers. The class sat down, and twenty minutes later, after he finished his coffee, Snape stood up and wrote the day's potion on the board with a flick of his wand.

"Oh no." Neville said. "We're only second years, how are we supposed to brew that?" On the board was a potion used to kill gingers, primarily poor ones. Ron Weasley squirmed in his seat as if he had a piece of grass up his ass.

Harry brewed and brewed until his potion was almost done. He was so pleased that his cauldron, Cauldry, successfully brewed the potion with him that he did his happy dance across the room until he was suddenly in front of Professor Snape. The greasy Potions Master looked at him. "Go back to your desk."

Harry did, and Snape followed him closely. "What is this, Potter?" He said, looking down at Harry's nearly-brewed potion. "I'm sure you're used to cooking basic Muggle food but this is a Potions class." He chuckled at his own joke. Harry sat down and started to write silently on a piece of parchment, ignoring the professor.

"Potter! Ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek. What are you doing?" Snape reached for the paper, but Harry jerked it away and started writing again. "I demand that you answer me. Do I look like someone to be messed with?"

Harry looked up at him slowly. "No, but you're, like, really pretty."

Snape looked taken aback for a moment. "Erm, thank... you?"

Harry stared at him blankly. "So you agree?"

"What?"

"You think you're really pretty?"

Snape didn't respond, just put on the sour face he makes that makes him look like he has indigestion. Harry went back to writing silently, and after a few minutes Hermione busted into a fit of giggles.

"What is it, Miss Granger?" Snapped Severus Snape, who was currently confused.

"I LOVE your robes, Professor Snape!"

If bats could blush, he did. "Well, erm, thanks. They were my dad's before he started to rape me."

Snape turned around to walk back to his desk, his head buzzing. What the hell were these children up to? He'd have to take serious house points away to punish the little snots.

"Those are the ugliest effing robes I've ever seen." Hermione whispered to Harry, who smirked. Snape overheard this, and turned, outraged, toward the pair of assholes currently gossiping in his class.

"20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! AND STAY AFTER CLASS!" Snape roared, crying from anger. He turned on his slim heel back toward his desk, and class was not disrupted again except for when the children silently turned in their shitty ass potions.

Harry Potter and Hermione Grander sat in the seats farthest away from Snape, but unfortunately he walked over to them and leaned in really close. They could smell the herbal tea and ramen noodles radiating off his body. "Now tell me, Mr. Potter, Miss Grander;" He slowly smirked. "Why I should not give you both a detention and take away even more points from Gryffindor?"

"Because that would so not be fetch." Harry deadpanned, looking at a smudge on the desk in front of him. Snape furrowed his brow, looking at the boy with slight irritation, slight confusion. He chose to ignore this comment, however, and instead said something that enraged both Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.

"ALL the points from Gryffindor, and 3 years worth of detention." He said silkily, standing up straight and looking at the two second years with narrowed eyes. Hermione, despite her rage, kept a calm and a seeming uncaring composure, picking at one of her nails.

"Boo, you whore."

Snape roared with anger from the insult, rearing up like a frightened horse and slamming his pale ass fists on the desk. Harry slowly looked up to meet his eyes, a small smirk on his lips. "What are you gonna do, take house points from us? Oh wait, you already took them all."

Snape was just about to say "30 points from Gryffindor," but Harry Potter had, thankfully, interrupted him. Seething with fury, he spoke to them very quietly, gritting his teeth.

"I. Do. Not. Wish. To. Play. Games. Reveal. Your. Intentions. At. Once."

Hermione laughed. "Sorry Snape, but right now you're as good as powerless, so I think Harry and I are going to have to decline, though your offer was considered very seriously." She waved her hand. "I hope you find business elsewhere, however much I dislike you."

Snape stared.

Half an hour later Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were walking up the steps leading out of the dungeons. Snape had interrogated them, but to no prevail. They simply would not crack under his mean eyes and his ugly face.

Harry turned to Hermione. "LOL DID YOU SEE HIS FACE?"

Hermione grinned. "Yeah, he looked like he had swallowed a watermelon."

They laughed meanly until Harry thought of something. "'Mione, did you remember to slip that Kalteen bar in his desk?" She smiled.

"Yes, and he'll never know what hit him!"

More LOLS ensued from them.

Twenty years later Snape was on his deathbed and was very thirsty. Harry was 32 years old and lived with his two best friends Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. He was unemployed and went to visit Snape on what would surely be Snape's last day. He stood at Snape's bedside and looked his former professor in the eyes and said: "Snape, I need to show you something."

Snape gasped "water" as a response but Harry didn't hear and instead he put in an old Muggle disk into the small Muggle TV in front of Snape. They watched _Mean Girls_ together silently, the atmosphere only disrupted by Snape gasping "water."

As the movie ended and the credits rolled, Snape looked over to Harry, a dead look on his face. Harry, smirking, leaned over and whispered in Snape's ear.

"Snape, you got trolled."

But Snape was dead and did not hear Harry say this.

The End.


End file.
